


My neighbor is a serial killer please don't help

by Rage_ball_of_fluff



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Arson, Awkwardness, Bad Humor, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, Illumi is creepy, Jealousy, Light Bondage, M/M, Mild Gore, Multi, Phone Sex, Phone Sex Operator Hisoka, Possessive Behavior, Power Dynamics, Power Play, Semi-Public Sex, Sex Shop Assistant Hisoka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:49:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29681436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rage_ball_of_fluff/pseuds/Rage_ball_of_fluff
Summary: Hisoka had wanted a change, a healthier lifestyle, a little peace of mind. Hisoka still wanted to be alive to see his 30th birthday – contrary to all expectations. That’s why he had moved, even though his new neighborhood was probably as seedy as his past life: money laundering, a grandpa with ties to the mafia, an illegally practicing doctor and a fight club right under his roof. Throw his old acquaintance Chrollo into the mix and the party was complete. Not that Hisoka could complain. Against his better judgement and best wishes for the future he still liked that little dose of thrill spicing up his life. But the most thrilling thing in his new apartment complex was his exceptionally attractive neighbor. And Hisoka was pretty sure the man was a serial killer.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 91





	1. I come with knives and agony

**Author's Note:**

> So this is super self-indulgent and full of attempts at bad humor, so please don't take this too seriously - for now. I just wanted to write something a little silly and more light-hearted than canon, all set around the same apartment complex. Like a sitcom. Enjoy~

Hisoka had moved into his new apartment complex a few weeks ago, but he already met most of his neighbors. And had gotten to know most of their little secrets. For one, there was the little lady on the first floor who owned a beauty parlor. Hisoka was sure the shop was a front for money laundering, judging by the expensive jewelry the woman always wore. Hisoka knew his Cartier.

Then there was the geezer one floor above him. The man seemed all nice and pleasant, normally spending his days leering after young female tenants and watching TV or whatever old people did these days. Hisoka, for his part, never planned on getting old. But the old man was visited every week by strange gentleman in black sunglasses and blacker suits with suspicious briefcases. His eyes always held this shrewd glint when he met Hisoka in the hallway. Hisoka speculated on mafia, but he wasn’t entirely sure about that.

Second floor right was a young man with glasses that operated as an illegally practicing doctor. From what Hisoka had heard he was extremely capable and a hard worker. Hisoka did like himself a hard worker, he looked forward to calling on his services some time. Knowing himself he would, soon. Besides the doctor lived another young guy with glasses, he seemed boring at first glance, almost skittish. Hisoka heard rumors he was running an illegal fight club and the boy in judo-gi that kept stopping by only supported that theory. As did all the strange noises and broken furniture flooding their trash cans. How intriguing.

Directly underneath him lived a pretty blond, a law student from what he had heard. When Hisoka had first met him, he had seemed a bit to honest to be true, just judging from his initial reaction to seeing the flamboyant man – a slap in the face seemed to be the natural conclusion to that encounter. A few days later, Hisoka learned first-hand that the young man was working as cam boy to pay his tuition and wasn`t that an enticing thought.

Third floor right was the apartment of an old acquaintance of Hisoka’s, a fascinating man, tall, dark and handsome. He could never tell what Chrollo was up to nowadays only that people came and went from his place, always causing a ruckus in the hallways. Sometimes, Hisoka was invited to their little gatherings, but no one really seemed to like him very much. A shame in Hisoka’s opinion really, he adored the pink-haired girl, Machi, that kept glaring daggers at him every time they met in Chrollo’s living room.

The only tenants that seemed absolutely and glaringly ordinary were the little family living on the first floor. A young woman with her grandmother and a little boy. The only thing that was somehow suspicious about them was the alarming number of wild animals the boy kept finding in the middle of downtown and tried to raise in their tiny apartment.

All in all, Hisoka really liked his new apartment complex, the neighborhood was a mess, as were the people living in his house. The electricity regularly cut out and every night he could hear noises that would certainly frighten every other person new to the surroundings. One could never say for sure, was it a gunshot or fireworks in the middle of May? Was it sex in an alleyway or someone getting their throat slit wide open? Hisoka didn’t know, but he certainly loved this cacophony of danger outside his window. Sometimes he liked to touch himself to it, the city noises a backdrop to his orgasm, his own romantic soft rock. And there was another thing that kept turning him on: his next-door neighbor. A tall young man, pale skinned with a dead face and deader eyes. And Hisoka was pretty sure he was a serial killer. 

-

Hisoka had first met the man living next door to him on the day he moved into his new apartment. On that day, he was dressed appropriately in a hot pink crop top and tiny sweatpants that read juicy on the back. His bubblegum pink hair was styled away from his eyes, he was moving furniture after all. And he loved watching strong men and women get sweaty while moving furniture. He also loved getting hot and sweaty, the two not entirely unrelated. That was one of the reasons he opted for the moving company even if it was a bit on the pricy side.

He stood in front of his new apartment door, surveying most of the boxes still left in the hallway when movement in his periphery caught his attention.

Huge black eyes were staring at him from across the corridor.

The gum Hisoka had been blowing popped. Loudly.

He held his neighbors gaze, registering pale skin and long, oh so long black hair hanging out of the door frame.

His neighbor blinked and Hisoka was reminded of a cat, slowly getting ready to pounce.

Hisoka realized in that moment just how quiet the hall had grown, with the movers having left about ten minutes earlier. It was nearly deadly silent, as if his neighbor opening the door had somehow evaporated every other sound in the building.

More of the man slowly came into view. He was tall, nearly as tall as Hisoka himself and painfully pale. Black hair smoothed down his back as dark as the ink curling around his biceps. Intricate designs were spanning all over his arms in nonsensical patterns as if wreathing against porcelain skin. They were beautiful, so finely worked and mesmerizing Hisoka nearly didn`t register the long kitchen knife his neighbor held in one of his hands. Or the strange red splatter across one of his fine cheekbones.

Hisoka swallowed thickly around his bubblegum.

His neighbor came closer, the scene moving in slow-motion in Hisokas mind. The other man radiated an oppressive aura, every move seemed calculated, executed with a grace Hisoka had never witnessed in anyone ever before. There was a sharpness to his features, to his movement, reminding Hisoka of watching a movie in crisp high definition. He was still in reality but everything about the man seemed keener than real life itself, this contrast between white-pearlescent skin and abyssal black that just commanded attention. When they were only a few centimeters apart the other man stretched out his hand, the one holding the knife slowly disappearing behind his back. Hisoka stared at the long, slender fingers for a moment, time standing still.

“I`m Illumi, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” 

And Hisoka nearly moaned. He had never met anyone in his life he wanted to fuck so badly in the first few seconds of making their acquaintance.

Ha grabbed the offered hand and pulled Illumi forward.

“Hisoka”, he said, getting impossibly closer. “And the pleasure’s all mine.” Hisoka took great care in making this sound as obscene as possible while squeezing the other`s fingers. Illumi went rigid under the movement, trying to remove his hand from Hisoka’s grip. But the other man held strong, slowly stroking his thumb over pale skin. Hisoka leaned back again watching the other man’s face for any reaction.

He didn`t seem to be a very expressive person, his mimic only changing marginally. But Hisoka saw one of his eyebrows tick up, a slight frown playing on his lips. Hisoka’s smirk just grew in answer.

They were locked in a stalemate for a moment, Illumi pulling his hand back, slim muscles flexing under his tattoos, and Hisoka holding fast. He was impressed, Hisoka needed his full strength to keep the other man from pulling his fingers free. Illumi was strong and looked so delicate, Hisoka slightly shuddered when he felt the other’s bones squeezing between his fingers. The other man`s face slowly but surely began to sour.

“Would you like to come to my apartment? I don`t have anyone I could have a toast with. Isn`t that terribly lonely?”

Illumis lips spasmed for a short moment, frown growing deeper.

“I would like for you to unhand me. This doesn`t seem appropriate for neighbors.”

Hisoka exhaled a quiet chuckle.

“Oh, Illumi you will soon learn that I am everything but appropriate.” Illumi’s left brow ticked up, the hand still holding his kitchen knife flexed imperceptible.

At that Hisoka’s breath hitched slightly. This was a strange, strange man with hollow eyes, and gods, he was oh so pretty. He wanted to rake his nails along that pale, lovely skin.

Hisoka held his hand a little longer, letting the tension grow between them. This was dangerous, the murderous look in Illumi’s eyes got Hisoka hard.

And then he let go, laughing under his breath.

Illumi glared at him, hair brushing Hisoka in a flurry as he turned on his heels to stomp back to his apartment.

Shortly before the door closed, Hisoka cleared his throat loudly. Illumi’s head swiveled around.

“You have something on your face, dear”, and Hisoka pointed with one long finger at his own cheek.

Illumi huffed and only glared harder. The door closed with a pang and Hisoka was left standing in the hallway with a new purpose.

-

A few hours later when Hisoka was just packing up his last knick-knacks from old cardboard boxes someone knocked on his door. Now that was odd, he hadn`t expected anyone today. He slowly opened his front door, revealing Illumi with his hair tugged in a high ponytail. A plate of cupcakes was unceremoniously shoved into his hands, little red swirls of cream on top. Hisoka raised his finely trimmed eyebrows.

“It is customary to welcome a neighbor into a new apartment with treats”, Illumi said, tone completely void of any emotions.

“And appropriate”, he added, turning on his heels again and stalking away. Hisoka was slightly dumbfounded but still enjoyed watching the other man go. He was wearing extremely tight black jeans after all, yet another treat for Hisoka.

He laughed a little, using his index finger to scoop some of the cream into his mouth. He nearly moaned again. Pretty, dangerous, very odd and an excellent cook. Hisoka was most definitely going to fuck that man.

The next morning found Hisoka in his kitchen, windows wide open to air out his new apartment. He could faintly hear police sirens in the distance while he packed most of his cutlery in a drawer. Half of the cupcakes from yesterday still sat in his fridge. He had eaten a few of them last night, licking the cream from his fingers while enthusiastically jerking his cock. He had imagined his pretty neighbor doing the licking, his cock smeared with red delicious cream and how he would moan around it. It was one of the best orgasms he had in a while. Hisoka contemplated eating another of the little cakes when he started to smell something funny from his open window.

He followed his nose, the strong stench of…sanitizer? Maybe antiseptics? It smelled like a hospital, or like someone was _really_ trying to get their apartment clean. Of various stains. Hisoka was not a big fan of the smell, it reminded him of sick people. Or dead people. None of which he particularly liked.

He leaned outside, craning his neck, only to find that his neighbors windows were widely thrown open, too. And that the smell seemed to originate from the apartment next door. Strange, Hisoka thought. Why would someone need so much disinfecting agent to get their apartment clean? He had certainly met people before who smelled similar – they weren`t exactly pleasant people.

Hisoka could hear a sigh from the other apartment and saw Illumi appear in the window next to him. The other man was slowly shaking his hair out of a loose bun, the long strands playing in the wind. Illumi pushed a cigarette between his thin lips, bringing a lighter to the tip. A few seconds later the smell of sanitizer was overshadowed by smoke, the fumes whipped up by a strong updrift between the concrete buildings together with smooth black hair. It looked so soft to the touch, Hisoka wondered what kind of shampoo the other man used. He was still leaning on his windowsill, but Illumi hadn`t spotted him, intensely staring straight ahead as he was. It seemed he was staring into the curtainless window of a man doing squats in the building on the opposite side of the street. Hisoka considered the guy with one raised eyebrow but decided that he wasn’t really a fan, too many muscles, a strange pompadour hair style. He really hoped that wasn’t Illumi’s type.

What held his attention on the other hand was the way Illumi sucked the cigarette into his mouth, long fingers brushing his lips. He could watch him for hours. Imagining his own fingers in place of that cigarette, imagining something else entirely. He shuddered softly.

The movement must have caught his neighbor’s attention and in the next moment Illumi’s head whipped around fixing him with a stare. It only took a fraction of a second for the other man’s mouth to turn into a frown and a split second more for his face to be schooled into his neutral expression again.

“Hello”, he greeted, his voice lacking any intonation whatsoever.

“Ya~”, Hisoka said with a little fake salute and wink. Illumis face soured again. There was ash raining from his cigarette, nearly only the butt left, but Illumi didn`t seem to mind it.

They stared at each other a moment longer, Illumi’s eyes unblinking, Hisoka’s nearly squeezed together from how hard he was grinning.

“Well, then-”, Illumi said, flicking the butt of his cigarette out of the window.

“Wait a moment, please”, and Hisoka ducked into his apartment quickly, picking one of the cupcakes out of the fridge. He held it out for Illumi to see, who looked a little puzzled for a moment.

“They were delicious”, he drawled, scooping a bit of the cream onto one of his fingers. “Maybe the best I`ve ever had.” 

Slowly, he brought the digit to his lips and slurped the delicious cream into his mouth, moaning while staring into Illumi’s dark, dark eyes. The only indication that the other man was somehow affected by this was a short intake of breath.

“I wanted to thank you”, Hisoka mumbled around his finger. The spit-slick digit was slowly removed from between his lips and he pointed it at Illumi.

“How about you join me? We can eat the other ones together, hmm?”

Illumi’s face fell just as quickly as yesterday. He pointedly raised his middle-finger in Hisoka’s direction.

“Inappropriate”, and then he was gone.

Hisoka laughed so loud that the blonde living underneath him started shouting from his window.

-

The third day after the move Hisoka finally decided to wash his heaps of dirty laundry. His old apartment building didn’t have a laundry room and Hisoka was often too lazy to visit a laundromat. Yes, he had the patience to sit in front of a washing machine for 2 hours but he simply didn`t want to. So, Hisoka had collected a wide variety of dirty clothes over the last two months. Thank god his wardrobe was so extensive.

He was in the process of separating his whites, humming a little cheery tune while he inspected every piece of clothing. It had been half-past twelve when Hisoka had made his descent into the dimly lit laundry room two flights of stairs beneath the surface. There were no windows in the basement, no natural light and the air smelled stuffy and humid, Hisoka had scrunched his nose at first. The blank brickwork of the walls gaped between rows of machinery, mold climbing along the ceiling. It was deadly silent, the only noise coming from one of the defect light bulbs. It was the light closest to the door and it occasionally flickered out of existence, bright artificial light abandoning the yawning darkness around the heavy metal of the entryway.

When the heavy door to the basement room slowly squealed open, he didn’t really mind the eerie silence that followed the disturbing noise – at first. He thought that maybe, whoever had chosen this time of night to come down here didn’t want anyone else to see their dirty laundry. Or they were just exceptionally impolite and kept silent. Also, Hisoka didn`t consider himself to be a jumpy person by nature, or even cowardly. The thought was laughable to him. Watching scary movies was one of his favorite pastimes and, as a teenager, he used to hang around graveyards in the early hours of morning. He had been a strange kid. And so, he kept humming, examining the questionably stain on his favorite sweatshirt, without a care to where he was and that no one would hear him scream down here.

The moment the door heavily fell closed again, resounding squeal so loud it shrieked in Hisokas ear, he finally fell silent. And waited, straining to hear anything. When still no other sound echoed in the dark room, Hisoka felt a trickle of sweat down his back. He froze in the middle of stuffing white shirts into the washing machine, muscles tensing. At the edge of his vision something black blinked in and out of existence with the overhead light bulb. He gulped and slowly turned his head.

There, in front of the door stood Illumi Zoldyck, stock-still and unblinking. His image periodically flickered into non-existence and Hisoka swore he could still see the other man`s eyes in the darkness, a deeper black than the night itself, staring back at him. The whole scene was unsettling, to say the least.

It became even more disquieting when Hisoka’s gaze fell to the white cloth in Illumi’s hands. The fabric was stained a deep and blotchy red. Hisoka heavily swallowed. Even Illumi’s hands were tainted the same shade, wetly glittering in the glaring neon light.

“Good evening”, Illumi finally said, somewhat haltingly and Hisoka flinched at the volume of the words in the silent basement. Footsteps closed in on him in long strides, house slippers scraping along the tiled floor. The sounds felt foreign to Hisoka’s ears, way too loud in the emptiness. Hisoka went back to his own laundry, trying to go for nonchalant. Just a normal night, he just met his totally normal neighbor washing his completely average laundry in the ordinary basement. No blood stains, no creepy stares. 

Illumi’s steps came to a halt directly in front of the washing machine besides him. Slowly he shoved the cloth he was carrying inside.

“Oh”, Illumi suddenly said and Hisoka’s sweaty hand twitched against the controls.

“It seems I have forgotten my detergent”, and Hisoka could feel eyes burning into the side of his face. For a moment he didn’t want to turn, didn’t want to look in those cold empty eyes that were burning holes into his brain. But then Hisoka finally lowered his gaze and was met with an unnervingly wide stare, Illumi’s head tilted at a strange angle. Good gods, he thought, what a strange creature. The way he sat hunched in front of the laundromat, posture tense and careful not to touch anything with his stained hands. Illumi’s skin glowed a sickly pale in the artificial light, black hair framed by the flickering bulb behind him. He looked much like a nightmare creature, stepped right out of a teenage horror flick. 

Hisoka gulped. He couldn’t not fuck him.

Hisoka plastered on his most charming smile, the one that clearly spelled trouble.

“Here you go, darling~”, he purred, reaching over the bottle of detergent. Hisoka swore Illumi’s jaw had ticked slightly at the endearment. Before his fingers could touch the offered container, they flinched back and Illumi considered his stained hands as if seeing them for the first time.

“Ah, now this is troublesome.” 

There was the light ticking of his jaw again, Illumi’s mouth twitching down for a millisecond. He was annoyed, Hisoka belatedly realized as Illumi’s eyes slid to consider the white cloth in the washing machine again. Hisoka wondered for a moment what it would take to really get Illumi annoyed. The image of that lovely porcelain face distorted in a snarl flashed through Hisoka’s mind. He needed to see that.

Before Illumi could grab the cloth from before again, Hisoka stripped off his white tank top. As the fabric slipped over his face, he met Illumi’s gaze and the other’s eyes widened for a fraction. For a split second his dark stare slid down Hisoka’s naked torso, almost involuntarily so, before his eyes landed on the offered fabric in Hisoka’s outstretched hand. Illumi’s left eyebrow twitched, Hisoka wouldn’t have seen it if he had blinked. But his smirk grew ever wider, quite satisfied with the situation.

For a moment nothing happened, then Illumi reached for the shirt. The way he took it spelled great reluctance on his part, distaste clearly visible in the rigid stance of his shoulders. He met Hisoka’s gaze with narrowed eyes as he cleaned himself of the red substance in a messy way, shirt fabric getting balled in his hands, red spreading all over the white tank top.

When he was finished, he threw the shirt at Hisoka’s shoulders, going for the detergent at the same time. But Hisoka was faster, grabbing the container and holding it just out of Illumi’s reach behind his back.

“Nah ah ah”, Hisoka drawled, throwing the stained shirt in with the rest of his laundry. He was washing whites anyways. The pink-haired man only hoped the blood stains, if it was really blood that is, would come off, he quite liked that particular article of clothing. For a moment, the thought crossed his mind that this might be human blood, the blood of an actual, previously alive human being. When he really went inside himself though, he found that he didn’t particularly care. Illumi was so much more interesting than any hypothetical dead person he might have killed. It made him even more fascinating. Hmm, maybe he should really re-evaluate his outlook on life.

“How about you give me something for using my detergent, hmm?”

Illumi’s eyebrow ticked up again. Hisoka was getting closer to his goal.

“Let’s say you also strip off your shirt, dear Illu. Then we are even~.”

Hisoka slowly let his eyes drift over the thin dark-green shirt Illumi was wearing. He could imagine those slim muscles, the black lines of Illumi’s tattoos swirling over his pale chest. Hisoka idly wondered what color Illumi’s nipples would be.

Illumi bristled at the suggestion, or at least Hisoka interpreted it as much. His lips slipped into a frown, but the expression was gone as soon as it had crossed his face. In the next moment Illumi was completely composed, face a carefully crafted blank mask. Hisoka’s smirk faltered a little at that, disappointed.

“How about instead, I give you a kiss.” 

Now that brought Hisoka’s smile fully back on. He might have even been a little surprised, had he been thinking with his head instead of his dick.

“Oh Illumi, you already know me so well”, Hisoka murmured, voice a deep drawl.

“I could even think of a few more things we could do in an empty laundry room after midnight~”, he said as he slowly leaned forward, half-hooded gaze fixating on Illumi’s lips. The other man moved closer, tongue darting out to wet his lips. Their noses touched lightly against each other, Hisoka could feel the other’s breath ghosting over his lips. The slight smell of antiseptic assaulted Hisoka’s nostrils. Ah, he hadn’t dared to hope that he would be this close to Illumi in such a short time. A cold hand was softly laid on his bare chest as Illumi tilted his face into the kiss. Their lips were so close now, the other’s body warmth tingling over Hisoka’s face.

And then the hand on his chest painfully twisted around his nipple. Hisoka exhaled a surprised breath of air, a deep groan building inside his throat. It was half-pain, half-arousal and he could feel his dick twitch in his loose sweatpants. In the split second he had lost control, Illumi snatched the detergent from his loosened grip, pushing Hisoka a few centimeters away from him.

“I can’t believe that turned you on”, he murmured under his breath, filling the washing machine and starting it up.

Hisoka chuckled, one hand absent-mindedly rubbing over his abused nipple.

“What can I say, I am a man of simple pleasures.” 

Illumi turned to him, mouth flattened in a line. That was probably the most outright expression of annoyance Hisoka had seen on Illumi’s face yet.

They stared at each other as the washing machine started to rev up to full speed. Hisoka’s smirk twitched up a notch.

“Hmm, that vibration gives me some ideas. Are you free tonight?”

Oh, Hisoka had been wrong. That was the most annoyed he had seen Illumi yet. The other man left without another word, basement door creaking behind him.

Hisoka’s laughter was lost to the sound of the washing machines.

Later that night he found that the stains indeed did not come off. He thought it prudent to get rid of the shirt.

-

Hisoka came home from one of the longer shifts at his new job at the sex shop around 8 in the evening. Still his mood was great, and he was looking forward to another long night of his other new job – filled with horny phone calls and desperate customers. He even bought himself some rum, he would decide later if he drank it pure or mixed, whatever he would feel like doing today.

When he entered the apartment building the boy from the first floor came barreling down the stairs in hot pursuit of…something small and fast.

“Hurry!” he screamed at Hisoka. “Close the door!” and Hisoka thanked his fast reflexes for slamming the door behind him closed before the little animal could escape. It came to an abrupt halt between his legs, looking up into his face with beady little eyes. A hedgehog, Hisoka realized and wasn’t it an adorable thing. A moment later the brown-haired boy collided into him hard when he wasn’t fast enough to stop his momentum, knocking the air right out of Hisoka’s lungs.

“Sorry!” the boy said with a huge smile and was gone in an instant, following the little wild animal in the direction of the laundry room. That boy sure was energetic, Hisoka thought when he finally peeled himself from the door, taking a deep breath. Where the fuck did he find a hedgehog in the middle of downtown?

His neighbors sure were a strange bunch, Hisoka considered when he made his way past the boy’s aunt standing in her doorway. She apologized to him again for her rascal of a nephew, bowing deeply. When he was gone, she followed the boy downstairs with a broom in her hand.

On the second floor Hisoka was met with something that might have once been a bookcase, the wood blocking most of the hallway. There was shouting from upstairs and from the open door of the apartment that was labeled Wing a young boy came trotting out carrying even more boards. Behind him a slightly disheveled man left the doorway with a huge garbage bag that might have held even more remnants of the same piece of furniture.

“Master, I told you it was a bad idea to practice this move indoors.” 

The young bespectacled man just laughed airily, embarrassment high on his cheekbones.

“Yes, yes you were right, Zushi.”

When they both finally saw Hisoka they apologized for the mess, the young boy in the judo gear bowing to Hisoka with a scream of “Osu”. These two were most definitely fishy but seemed a bit too awkward to belong to the bad crowd in Hisoka’s opinion. They quickly exchanged greetings and a few pleasantries but when the ruckus from upstairs grew even louder Hisoka excused himself.

On the next floor Hisoka found nothing unexpected. The pretty blond student that lived directly underneath him was locked in a shouting match with his old acquaintance Chrollo. In the 2 weeks Hisoka had been living in his new apartment, he had already born witness to four of these occasions and quite enjoyed it. They mostly evolved around the blonde shouting and Chrollo laughing – and throwing around flirtations. At least it looked like that to Hisoka. In this specific encounter, the blond student was only clad in a dressing gown that slowly slipped down his shoulders thanks to his heated gesticulating to reveal pieces of red lingerie. Who wouldn’t flirt in that kind of situation?

With a nod to his black-haired acquaintance Hisoka passed both by, droning out most of what was said, mostly the discussion seemed to evolve around the topic of which socialization theory made the most sense. Most of his neighbors were completely out of their minds, Hisoka realized.

Making his way up the last flight of stairs to his apartment Hisoka froze. Directly behind the handrail of the stairwell on their floor squatted Illumi, face pressed between two bars and stared at him with huge black eyes. Yes, all his neighbors were completely bonkers, but Illumi might just be the worst of them all.

The way he sat there, eyes blown wide and perched on the highest vantage point strongly reminded Hisoka of a predator lying in wait. Illumi didn’t move a muscle, it didn’t even look like he was breathing. Oh, and he looked delectable in black shorts and a wide crop top that seemed to expose most of his back in his current position. Hisoka swallowed.

“Good evening”, Hisoka purred and started walking again, slowly taking every step with grace as if not to spook the other man.

Illumi didn’t say anything. He did not move. Only his eyes stayed fixated on Hisoka’s slow ascend, waiting, watching, appraising. Hisoka grew a little hot under that stare, he had to admit, even though it was partly extremely unsettling. His neighbor was a strange, strange being and Hisoka wasn’t sure what exactly lurked behind those dark eyes of his.

When he finally reached the landing of their floor, Illumi’s stare left his form and found its perch again on the couple fighting downstairs.

“Good evening”, he finally said in his cheerful monotone.

Hisoka decided to step beside him and realized that from this viewpoint one had a perfect angle on everyone coming up those stairs or going down. Illumi must have observed it all, Gon’s hunt for the hedgehog, the broken bookcase and the beginning of the fight downstairs.

Hisoka’s gaze slipped back to Illumi himself, staring at the crown of his head. Without prompting the other man said:

“I like watching them.”

He paused for a moment, finally blinking his huge eyes. Hisoka had found his incessant staring absolutely maddening.

“They’re so…”, he seemed to mull his next words over for a moment.

“Lively”, he finally disclosed and Hisoka felt a shudder run down his spine at the choice of words. Somehow Illumi didn’t make it sound like that was a good thing. As if life itself wasn’t a condition to be desired.

“I see”, Hisoka answered. He didn’t know what else to say, so he just stood there for a while people watching. Illumi’s slightly voyeuristic tendencies, while creepy no doubt, didn’t exactly bother Hisoka all that much. He imagined himself as the object of constant observation, of being looked at not as a living human being but as a specimen to be dissected, to be dismantled until only his core was left.

He wanted Illumi to watch him as he came smeared in blood with his name on his lips.

Hisoka grinned at the top of Illumi’s head somewhat slyly.

“Why don’t you come to my apartment, love”, he purred, reaching down to twirl one strand of smooth black hair between his fingers.

“I have something more interesting for you to watch”, he whispered, leaning down to Illumi’s level.

Finally, the other turned around, swatting the strand of hair out of Hisoka’s fingers with a backhanded slap. His intense stare had somewhat simmered down to an annoyed narrowed glowering and Hisoka was delighted to be the object of that gaze.

“No thank you”, Illumi said with finality and Hisoka was sure that the other must have had quite the good upbringing because otherwise he would have just said fuck-off. His eyes most definitely said fuck-off.

When Illumi turned around to consider the stairwell once again, Hisoka clucked his tongue. He had to admit he was defeated, but you know what they say: one lost battle didn’t mean you have lost the war. It had been a bad attempt anyways. So, he decided to call it a night, let his neighbors get up to whatever strange business they had to attend to this evening. He had a few calls to take.


	2. It’s a bitch convincing people to like you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is practically just Hisoka trying to get Illumi's phone number. It has arson and a cake, also telephone sex. Enjoy~
> 
> This chapter's title is from my all time favorite HisoIllu song I can't decide fromt the Scissor Sistsers...it fits them perfectly.

Hisoka was doing his dishes on Wednesday, elbows deep in sudsy water. He moaned eagerly into the receiver of his phone wedged between his cheek and his shoulder.

“Yes dear, get your underwear all the way off. Describe it for me. And hurry, I can’t wait to get my hands on you~”, Hisoka drawled into his phone, voice sultry and deep. A quick intake of breath on the other end of the line and then shuffling. It seemed the woman on the phone was quite eager to get her hands on herself too.

Last year when Hisoka had woken up in a hospital bed on his birthday again, veins being pumped full of painkillers, he had decided that a change had been in order. A ruse gone wrong at the fight club he worked at landed him a few broken bones and a new perspective on life. He had been conning people out of their money - and their pants - for as longs as he remembered. Hisoka was a full-blood performer after all. But he was close to thirty, had a not so unsightly amount of money stored away and realized that there were other ways to perform for people that would most likely not see him dead before he reached his third decade. So, he broke most ties to his old “buddies”, moved here and started a career as telephone sex operator. It was fun and paid the bills, and with his side gig as sales assistance at the local sex shop he regularly came out of the house. The stripper lifestyle he had tried a few years back had also been nice though, he considered. Maybe he would go back to that in one or two years.

Hisoka got a little lost in these thoughts when his customer on the other end of the line began describing her lacy panties in detail. Then he also pondered if his new neighbor would look good in lacy panties. Red would be nice on him, Hisoka thought. A little bow right over his ass.

“Are you naked, too Hisoka?”, came the murmured question a moment later, voice on the other line all but a whimper.

Before answering Hisoka considered an especially resilient stain on his favorite tea set he was just trying to scrub clean.

“Naturally darling, I’m so hard for you right now. Just imagining you spreading your legs for me”, a moan for dramatic effect, then Hisoka resumed in a husky voice.

“Are you wet, sweetheart? Play with your nipples for me, pretty please~.”

The stain wouldn’t budge, not matter how hard he scrubbed. Hisoka frowned as the woman on the other line moaned in his ear. Hisoka wasn’t really in the mood today, or better he wasn’t really in the mood for this call. The woman was one of his regulars and he was always good to his regulars. But she had a voice that heavily grated on his nerves. His mouth twitched in annoyance. He really didn’t want to drag this out any longer than necessary. But he got paid by the minute, ah well.

The moaning on the other side gradually grew louder as his mountain of dirty dishes dwindled, and still she was no closer to climax. Hisoka normally was all in for edging but all the chores he had delayed since the move heavily laid on his mind. A sigh escaped his lips, but he doubted she had heard.

“Go faster, yes right there”, he groaned, but it sounded a bit fake even to his own ears. Hisoka didn’t really like half-assing his job.

In the moment he dried his hands on a dish towel someone knocked on his door. Three consecutive knocks, short and simple. Hisoka raised one eyebrow then sauntered over.

In front of his apartment stood a disheveled Illumi, hair in a high ponytail, yet Hisoka could still see flour discoloring the dark strands. He wore a simple black apron and Hisoka realized he must have been baking.

“I-”, before Illumi could finish his sentence, the woman on the phone moaned again, this time loud enough that the whole hallway could have heard.

Illumi looked almost incredulous if the slight raising of his eyebrow was any indication.

“I’m so close, Hisoka-”, she nearly screamed. Thank god, Hisoka thought, but he also wasn’t one to squander his chances.

The corners of his mouth twisted in a Cheshire grin and he brought one of his long fingers to his mouth, gesturing for Illumi to be quiet. He turned a little, half-hooded stare still trained on Illumi’s rigid form in front of him.

“I’m so close too, darling. Your pussy is so tight around me. So wet, just listening to the delicious sounds you’re making.” 

Illumi’s eyes widened just a fraction, breath hitching. He quickly crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“Oh yes, let me come inside you~”, Hisoka said, punctuated with a deep moan. And he made sure to hold Illumi’s stare while the woman on the other end of the line shouted her release.

In the ensuing panting, Hisoka pushed his hair away from his eyes and exhaled a quick breath.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart, I gotta go. Make sure to call me again, hmm?” Hisoka only half-listened to her stuttered praises and good-bye`s before he ended the call. With his most charming smile he now fully faced Illumi, greeting the man with an extravagant gesture. 

“Excuse me dear Illu, how impolite of me.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Lumi, then?”

“Illumi will suffice, thank you.” 

They stared at each other for a moment, Hisoka all to satisfied with himself. He got to rile up his new favorite neighbor and flirt with him. For him, it was a win-win situation.

“Do I want to know?” Illumi finally crumbled.

“I was working”, Hisoka offered.

The other man blinked at him very slowly.

“Huh”, he said and that was that. Huh.

Hisoka cleared his throat.

“To what do I owe the honor of your visit, dear?”

“Ah yes, I was baking and ran out of sugar. Could you lend me some?”

“Sure, some sugar for my sweet Illumi.”

Said man’s face soured instantly. Hisoka chuckled.

“I’ll be right back.”

Hisoka offered the small package to Illumi but held fast when the other man grabbed for it.

“How about you give me something in exchange?” Hisoka pondered it for a moment and he quite liked the idea he came up with.

“Tell me your phone number, Illu. I could call you sometimes, hmm?” the pink-haired man purred. Illumi’s hold on the sugar package grew tighter and Hisoka feared he would have to clean sugar from his doorstep any minute now.

“How about I don’t smash your face in. And don’t call me that.”

Hisoka let go of the package with a shudder, letting Illumi walk back to his apartment in a flurry of black hair.

“Oh, you know how to talk dirty to me, Illumi.”

The door smacking closed was his only answer. Hisoka decided, he would get that number even if it killed him.

-

A few days went by without Hisoka getting closer to his hot neighbor’s phone number. He tried writing a letter, which was graciously ignored. He tried the traditional strategy of annoying the digits out of Illumi but it was surprisingly hard to run into the other man when you were actually trying. He even tried to get into touch with Chrollo – he was sure the other man had met Illumi at some point – but he had been absent for a while now, his apartment abandoned. Which was not exactly surprising or new to Hisoka. It was more surprising that he had coincidentally moved into the same apartment complex.

An idea presented itself when Hisoka was absentmindedly shuffling a deck of cards on a slow day at the store. He had been building a card tower that had ungraciously collapsed in on itself when a customer had closed the door rather forcefully. Hisoka regarded the jumpy man with a death glare the whole time he stumbled through the aisles until one of the cards slowly sailed to the dirty floor. Upon closer inspection Hisoka identified the card as Queen of Hearts, the beautiful illustration with its curling black hair one of Hisoka’s favorites. And it certainly reminded him of someone. With a twisted smirk Hisoka plucked the card from the floor and pressed a smacking kiss square on the Queen’s head. His single customer shivered in front of the porn display.

The next day Hisoka started to put his plan into action. With a red marker he wrote a cheesy line in twirling letters on the Ace of Hearts of his second favorite deck. Sitting in front of his vanity he slowly painted his lips a deep red, slow, sultry music squealing from the retro radio in his kitchen. With determination he pressed his mouth in a tight kiss to the card, considering his handy work while humming along to the lines. A few minutes later the card with the word “I could get lost in your eyes, darling. Please give me a call~” and a few hastily drawn hearts disappeared under the apartment door of Illumi Zoldyck. Illumi’s strange black and white doormat with the questionable red stains was graciously ignored. Hisoka went to work with his lips still smeared red and a smile playing at his mouth.

Two days later he found the same card under his doorstep with two big, black letters scrawled on top.

NO

Hisoka chuckled. The game was on.

-

By his third card Hisoka had begun preparing his next few one-liners, red lipstick placed next to him on his kitchen table. He was humming along to his radio again while he scrawled the words “When I think about you, I touch myself” on the King of Hearts. Slowly the burning smell of cigarette smoke filtered into his open window. With a broad smile Hisoka nearly threw his upper body out of the window, card in hand.

“Ya~”, he greeted his neighbor over the short distance that separated their windows.

Illumi’s black gaze fixed on him, mouth turning slightly downwards. That seemed to be his natural reaction to seeing Hisoka.

“Hello”, he answered but there wasn’t much vigor behind it. 

“You look lovely today, dear. As always~”, Hisoka trilled, lightly biting the card between his teeth.

Illumi blew a puff of smoke his way. Hisoka really wished he would blow something different.

With the card in hand, he leisurely waved the smoke away, grinning ever wider at his non-plussed neighbor.

“Catch”, he called softly and threw the card Illumi’s way with quick efficiency. He was lucky there was no wind outside that day. Illumi caught the King of Hearts more out of reflex than real motivation, the piece of paper slipping between his fingers. Hisoka loved the contrast between the deep red and his white skin, a spark of color against black nails and black ink.

After a few seconds of consideration, Illumi’s dark gaze slid up to Hisoka. The pink-haired man smiled at him all fake innocence, while performing some choice gestures that clearly supported the statement on the playing card.

Illumi’s face soured instantly.

While firmly holding Hisoka’s gaze, he stubbed the still burning remains of his cigarette into the card. And he held it there. 

Sadly for him, Hisoka was never one to be easily discouraged from flirtations. The smile stayed in place and Hisoka started mimicking a blow job.

Illumi narrowed his eyes further.

With the same efficiency Hisoka had shown before Illumi threw his cigarette butt through the air until it landed two centimeters from Hisoka’s face with a splat against the window. Hisoka slowly turned his smile to the big splotchy ash stain on his otherwise sparkly windowpane, his ire ticking up.

“Ah, a shame. I missed”, Illumi said in a quite unusually cheerful tone. A small smile played at his lips. 

With a tiny nod Illumi’s head finally disappeared back inside his apartment. As a last acknowledgment to Hisoka he waved the burnt playing card at him as goodbye, only his pale left arm hanging out of his window.

After a short while of silence, Hisoka inhaled the remnants of cigarette smoke deep into his lungs. Then he exhaled slowly, a grin spreading on his face again. He had seen Illumi today. He had seen Illumi smile. No matter how this had ended, today was a good day. 

With newfound motivation he continued with the rest of his playing card set.

-

The last card left in his set was the Queen of Hearts with her beautiful curling black hair. All the others had met a similar fates – either ripped, burnt, disappeared or they found their way back under Hisoka’s door but slightly worse for wear. On one memorable occasion Hisoka came home to find the Jack of Hearts nailed to his front door with an especially sharp kitchen knife. He still shuddered at the pure thought, it had looked a lot like a death threat, and he absolutely loved it.

Hisoka didn’t really know if he still hoped for some positive reaction or just kept going because messing with his (potentially homicidal) neighbor was just too much fun. But there was only one card left and maybe it would be his lucky charm. With the words “You’re the Queen of my Heart” and a kiss, Hisoka pushed it inside Illumi’s mailbox. Then he realized he had nothing better to do than to wait for Illumi to come home. He hadn’t seen the other man in a few days and really wanted to exchange more with him than a few words hastily scrabbled on a flimsy piece of paper. He crouched besides the mailboxes and waited.

Hisoka had already been sitting there for a few hours, a game of solitaire opened on his phone when the door slowly swung open to reveal Illumi, hair swirling long behind him. He raised an eyebrow at Hisoka beaming up at him from his perch on the floor. Then his slippers went flip flop over the tiled floor, the creamy white skin of his long legs on full display in his tiny shorts. Hisoka’s gaze slid over to the man when his key jingled in the mailbox lock, eyes slanted through his broad smirk.

Illumi slowly took the card into his hand, his face staying carefully passive as always when he considered the writing.

For a moment nothing happened.

Then Illumi ripped the little card in two.

Hisoka’s smile stayed plastered on.

He almost expected Illumi to rip the little pieces of paper into ribbons and stuff them into his mouth. And then he would eat them slowly, while Hisoka watched. He didn’t in the end, but Illumi seemed the type.

“You wound me”, Hisoka said.

“Good”, was his only answer.

Hisoka pushed himself into standing, a big sigh stifled between his lips. With a slight shake of his head, he leaned against the mailboxes besides Illumi, regarding him with a tiny pout.

“But my dear Illu, what if there’s a fire and I can’t call you?”

“I have a fire alarm.”

“What if your basement is flooded and I’m the only person in the vicinity?”

“I would rather shovel water out of my basement with a spoon than give you my number.”

Hisoka almost chuckled at Illumi’s deadpan answer.

“An earthquake?”

Illumi just raised one slender eyebrow as answer.

Hisoka pondered his next question, a manicured nail tapping against his lips.

“What if I took a package for you?” He countered lamely.

“Keep it.”

Then he threw the pieces of the ripped card over Hisoka’s head like confetti and turned with a flourish. On Illumi’s way to the stairs Hisoka loudly cleared his throat.

With a heavy breath Illumi turned around, both eyebrows raised this time.

Hisoka pointed to the house rules plastered in a giant font at the wall of the foyer, a quite unpleasant smile playing on his lips.

“No littering”, he said.

Illumi’s nostrils flared for a split second. 

“You annoy me”, Illumi remarked with a scathing glare.

“Good”, Hisoka said after a pause, smile splitting his face nearly in half.

In the end he still had to collect the ripped pieces of his Queen of Hearts by himself, last Ace up his sleeve played. 

-

About half a week after his blotched attempt to get Illumi’s number, Hisoka finally decided to get rid of a few of his knick-knacks that hadn’t survived the move. It was about four in the morning, but he had customers until a minute ago and didn’t exactly feel like sleeping yet. So, he packed his garbage and made his way down into the alley that held their trash cans.

Even before he had reached the mouth of the alley the smell of burning plastic entered his nostrils and Hisoka wrinkled his nose. A slight trail of smoke trickled behind the dark brick walls. Had someone set fire to their garbage cans? Hisoka would certainly not be surprised about that, judging from the neighborhood they lived in.

However, he was surprised at what he saw when he rounded the corner. Shocked would be a too strong word for it, mildly taken aback would rather fit the description as he had grown somewhat wary to expect some form of surprise from his strange neighbor.

In the pitch-black alleyway stood his neighbor in front of a garbage can that was quite obviously on fire, blank face illuminated by the red hues of the flames. With nearly mechanical precision he tore through a piece of blotchy fabric he was holding, Hisoka startingly recognized it as the discolored cloth from the laundry accident. Illumi moved the torn strip of fabric over the can, letting flames consume the material and he still held on until the fire nearly licked at his fingers. Then he dropped it into the mini-inferno, eyes still blankly fixated onto the burning mess.

Now Hisoka disconnected from reality for a moment as he watched his creepy neighbor burn bloodied fabric in the middle of the night in a pitch-black backstreet. Maybe he wouldn’t live to see his 30th birthday after all. Well at least he would be slaughtered by one of the sexiest people he ever met.

The next moment, Illumi started to move. The motion of his head was so slow and deliberate, Hisoka was startingly reminded of a mechanical puppet. Illumi’s long hair spilled over one of his shoulder as his head almost violently snapped into position considering Hisoka. A blank stare fixated on him with a clarity that send shudders down Hisoka’s spine, flames dancing in those black eyes.

Hisoka was so going to fuck this man, even if it killed him.

It seemed after over 12 years of scraping by at the lowest levels of society Hisoka still hadn’t found his self-preservation instinct.

“Well, hello there, beautiful~ Fancy meeting you here at this hour.” 

He started, sauntering down the alleyway with absolutely no sense of decency whatsoever.

Illumi’s eyes were still locked at his enclosing form, gaze only moving when Hisoka did. No words left his mouth. When the other man reached the closest trash can to Illumi, using one hand to fan away the smoke, he leaned on the lid with one of his elbows, cocking the opposite hip in a clear show of seduction.

“Ya~”, Hisoka said all too cheerfully.

And still he received no answer.

“Need a hand with that?” and he offered his fingers close to the flame, feeling the burning sensation on his skin.

Illumi followed the motion as if in a trance, fire playing stark shadows on his skin, painting him brutally beautiful in Hisoka’s mind.

And then the black-haired man blinked, and the spell was broken. Illumi’s gaze once again met Hisoka’s intrigued stare and the pink-haired man could finally see consciousness clearing behind those dark eyes. He narrowed them dangerously, dropping the last remnants of fabric into the flames in a show of defiance. Illumi dusted his hands of slowly, silence dragging on between them. 

Then he opened his mouth on an inhale.

“I shouldn’t be surprised to find you of all people at the trash heap in the middle of the night. After all birds of the same feather flock together.”

Hisoka’s grin slid out of place for a split-second, before he bared his canines in a show of renewed ferocity. That was probably the longest coherent sentence he had heard Illumi say so far, he was making progress. Even though his ego suffered in the process. He chose to ignore the jab at his pride.

“If I had known that I could find you here, I would have joined you sooner. You know, I would love to get hot and sweaty with you, dear Illumi~”, Hisoka pressed out between his teeth, the endearment more threat than compliment. And he leaned closer to the heat still, he was not afraid of a few burns.

Illumi’s mouth scrunched up for a bit, disgust made plain obvious through the fire shining on his face.

“I do not like to sweat”, he deadpanned.

Hisoka couldn’t stop the laugh that burst out of him at the comment, sharp exhale disrupting the smoke around them. The tension that had hung between them for the last few seconds subsided with a chuckle.

The scrutinizing stare he was subjected to after this outburst made Hisoka laugh all the harder.

“I will go now. Good night.”

“Wait.” 

Illumi in the process of passing Hisoka by froze for a moment.

“How about you give me a call the next time you plan arson. You could play with fire-”, Hisoka whispered, sultry tone rolling easily of his tongue while he twirled one long strand of Illumi’s smooth hair around his finger. “And I could do the sweating. How about it sweetheart?” 

In a split-second his hand was slapped aside with unforeseen force.

“Don’t touch my hair. And I will never give you my phone number.”

Then Illumi left for the corner of the alleyway with long careful strides.

“Nothing about the pet name, then?” Hisoka called after him, he only received a glare through the darkness for his efforts.

Standing in the dark, flames crackling in the background, Hisoka heaved a full body laugh after the other’s departure. It was way too easy to rile Illumi up.

A few seconds later he realized that someone probably should put that fire out unless he wanted their whole garbage to burn down. Hisoka sighed. What a night.

After carrying three liters of water down five flights of stairs for a second time, Hisoka left a note at Illumi’s door. It read “I’m burning for you, baby. Please give me a call.” Under there his number was scrabbled in his messy handwriting, a winking smiley face drawn in a corner. The next day the note had been ripped from the door rather uncleanly, remnants of paper still clinging to the wood. Hisoka didn’t get any calls from an unknown number the whole next week on his private phone. For better or worse, he had to call operation fire jokes a failure. Time for a new plan.

\- 

This was going to be his final attempt at getting the phone number of his possibly homicidal neighbor. Hisoka knew he would succeed this time because he finally figured out Illumi’s one true weakness. Also, if he didn’t get it with this try, he was completely out of ideas.

So, on Wednesday he placed a few phone calls before work. The woman on the other side of the line was slightly taken aback by his request, but Hisoka had money to spent. Why not use it for a good cause.

At around 8 in the evening Hisoka left work and made a quick stop at the most popular bakery in his part of town on his way home. He had to restrain himself from grinning to hard when he left the little store, the assistant waving him off with a big smile at the generous tip she had received.

This was perfect. The perfect plan, and Hisoka guessed his chances for success were at about 89 percent.

He knew the smile on his face must have been bordering on maniacal when he met the young medicine student in the hallway and the man fled the scene without a second glance in his direction.

With the same smile he knocked on Illumi’s door a few seconds later, small package with the logo of the bakery held out in front of him like a peace offering.

When Illumi finally opened his apartment, his stare first fell on Hisoka’s smirk. And then it traveled further down to the little box in his hand, eyes transfixed.

Hisoka had to stifle a chuckle. Oh yes, he had Illumi’s weak spot figured out. The man was addicted to sweets and wasn’t that just adorable. Granted it didn’t fully fit with the serial killer vibes he had been giving off, what with the bloodied laundry, arson, constant staring and the cloying scent of antiseptics left in his wake. But Hisoka had enough evidence to support his theory. Not only had Illumi given Hisoka self-made cupcakes when he first moved in, no he had been baking nearly every second day since Hisoka had moved into his new apartment. The delicious smell of cookies or brownies or some other sugar-filled contraption had heavily hung all over the hallway. How he ate all that and still seemed to have no gram of fat on his body was a mystery to Hisoka. He himself gained weight frighteningly fast. But Hisoka was also thankful as he cast an appreciative glance down Illumi’s body, so much of that beautiful pale skin on display.

Hisoka licked his lips.

“Good evening, dear~”, he purred.

Illumi finally seemed to wake from his trance, eyes flitting up to Hisoka’s face again. The pink-haired man swore he could see Illumi swallow heavily.

“What is that for?” he questioned without prefix, eyes dangerously narrowing on Hisoka. The man in question shrugged, holding the box even closer to Illumi’s face.

“A peace offering, and an apology. For being such a bad and nosy neighbor~”, he said with a little bow.

Illumi’s eyes narrowed even further while his gaze switched between regarding Hisoka and the box. Oh, he wanted the treat so badly, Hisoka could see it in the slight twitching of his fingers.

“Don’t worry, it’s not poisoned”, Hisoka chuckled. Illumi just arched one finely trimmed eyebrow at him.

“It is true you are a bad neighbor, and quite nosy.” 

Hisoka hummed, nodding his head in agreement.

“An apology would indeed be in order”, Illumi put one finger to his mouth as if seriously considering the whole affair. It was probably the fakest gesture he had seen from the man yet, but Hisoka’s eyes automatically followed the movement of his finger to his lips.

“Fine”, Illumi finally conceded, small smile on his lips.

“I will accept your apology”, and the box was yanked out of Hisoka’s hands at lightning speed. Before the door could be closed in his face, Hisoka winked at the other man.

“To good neighborly relations~”, Hisoka drawled in a sultry voice.

When Hisoka closed his own apartment door behind him, a short bark of laughter startled out him. That had been almost too easy. Illumi really let his guard down around sweets. Now he only had to wait.

-

Inside the box had been a small cake, complete with dark-red icing and filled with delicious strawberry jam and cream. Atop the icing in lovely twirly letters the question “Would you please give me your phone number?” had been written by a talented hand. Hisoka had known that this was the perfect strategy, to a) annoy Illumi to no ends, b) make him somewhat happy, and c) finally get the man’s phone number.

When Hisoka’s phone buzzed with an incoming message from an unknown number at three in the morning his gleeful smile nearly split his face in two.

_The cake was adequate_

The message read. No more, but Hisoka wanted to crush his phone with barely restrained arousal. Illumi had kept his number.

The first thing Hisoka did was send the other man a picture of his dick. It was even a nice one, all artistically framed and in tasteful lighting. He had one hand on the base of the hard shaft, pre-come glittering on the red tip.

The only answer he got was “Go and die already”.

Hisoka chuckled at his phone as he jerked himself to completion.

But Illumi didn’t block his number so he considered it a second win. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the nice comments on the last chapter <3 I'm always open for feedback and constructive criticism ^^ have a good one~


	3. 3.	I’m a classy honey kissy huggy lovey dovey ghetto princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka meets a bunch of people. On the downside, a bunch of people have to meet Hisoka too. It doesn't end well for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so this is basically just Hisoka getting to know a few more people in and around his neighborhood. Illumi is still getting creepier, Hisoka is going through a rollercoaster of emotions and Leorio is not amused. Enjoy~
> 
> Chapter title is from another Scissor Sisters song, Filthy/Gorgeous.
> 
> (Believe me, Hisoka did get Illumi's phone number for a reason. You will know, sooner or later.)

On Tuesday afternoon Hisoka was carrying his grocery bags back to his apartment. He had certainly bought enough to last him over the weekend and then some, pondering about what he should be cooking for dinner. His cooking wasn`t something to write home about, certainly not compared to what he had tasted of his dear Illu, but he could sustain himself and that was all that mattered. The strawberries and chocolate sauce would be a nice treat while working tonight and always a fun turn-on for his clients. Just the mental image of licking chocolate sauce from hard, rippling abdominal muscles got most of them going. And he could describe it so well while licking strawberry juice from his fingertips. Hisoka hummed, a little lost in the thought.

When he turned into his street, he was nearly toppled over by two kids running around the corner. Hisoka barely kept his groceries from spilling out on the street, when one of the two boys gave him a sheepish smile.

“Sorry”, the brown-haired kid said, rubbing the back of his neck. Hisoka recognized him as the boy living on the first floor with his aunt. His clothes were always so…green.

“Don`t worry about it, little one~ But be more careful next time, hm?” 

The boy nodded with vigor. Hmm, Hisoka really liked enthusiastic kids.

“Gon”, he then turned to the second child, a peculiar boy. His hair was as white as snow, blue eyes narrowing on Hisoka as he casually brought both of his hands behind his head. They stared at each other for a moment and something clicked in Hisoka’s mind. He somehow knew that stare, very well in fact.

“I`m coming, Killua”, and then Gon was off, giving Hisoka a little wave as he started towards the main street. Hisoka waved back, smirking and watching as the other boy slowly turned away from him. Oh yes, he most definitely reminded him of someone, such a stylish little boy. And so cautious around the right people. Hisoka chuckled.

As soon as he opened the front door to his apartment building, he found the woman from the first floor in what seemed to be quite pleasant conversation with Illumi. The other man even seemed to be smiling a little, how strange indeed. Hisoka only caught the tail-end of a conversation, something about the boys eating like a small army. To which Illumi answered that he is quite thankful to Mito for always feeding that little monster Killua, all in an uncharacteristically mild tone. In Hisoka’s mind the last puzzle piece fell into place, he knew that resemblance couldn’t have been a mere coincidence. Both of his neighbors finally turned when Hisoka moved closer and the woman gave him a bright smile.

“The new neighbor”, she said.

“I don’t think we had a chance to speak yet. My name is Mito Freeces, but Mito’s just fine.”

She extended a hand towards him with a warm smile. Ah, Hisoka thought. What a perfectly pleasant woman. He wasn`t interested in her in the least.

He shook the offered hand nonetheless, careful to not grip her fingers to hard and leaned down a little.

“Hisoka, and the pleasures all mine”, he said all casually, and she beamed. When inclining his head slightly he could see Illumi glaring at him from the corner of his eyes. Yes, those were the same words he used on him the first time. Hisoka chuckled.

“Oh dear”, Mito then said as if just realizing something. “That boy Gon forgot his umbrella again. And it`s supposed to be raining tonight”, she sighed. “Whatever am I supposed to do with him”, and she slightly shook her head.

“Yes”, Illumi intoned besides him and Hisoka felt goosebumps prickling on his skin at his tone of voice. “That boy is so forgetful, one day he might lose his head”, and Illumi’s blank stare widened comically at the statement, mouth frozen in the poor imitation of a smile. Sometimes this strange, strange man acted like a puppet that tried so hard to be human, to talk like a human and every time it happened Hisoka felt cold showers creeping down his back.

Mito just punched Illumi lightly on the arm. “You again with your jokes”, but then she grew quiet for a moment, lowering her head in a sort of worried contemplation.

“Jokes aside”, she said. “I am slightly worried. Lately a lot of people have been disappearing around here, children too.”

Mito wrung her hands in a nervous manner, not looking any of them in the face. Disappearances, huh? Hisoka pondered over that tidbit of information a little longer, eyes trained on Illumi.

“Maybe we shouldn’t let them play outside in the evenings anymore.”

“Oh, don’t worry Miss Mito”, Illumi countered and Hisoka could only describe his facial expression bordering on gleeful, a smile spread so wide over his teeth in a way Hisoka had never seen before. He carefully placed one delicate hand on Mito’s shoulder, dwarfing the woman in his shadow.

“I am sure nothing is going to happen to Gon”, he continued and his otherwise so carefully crafted emotionless voice almost betrayed that he wouldn’t particularly mind anything happening to Gon. He sounded happy.

“Besides, the boys are smart. They can take care of themselves.”

For a moment Mito seemed to consider that answer, then she patted Illumi’s hand on her shoulder thankfully.

This was truly a fearless woman, Hisoka thought. Or maybe she was just oblivious. Maybe no one else saw what Hisoka saw under that blank mask that Illumi called a face. The barely concealed horror.

“I hope you are right”, she smiled. And she started rolling up the sleeves of her plain red dress, turning in the direction of the stairs.

“Well, no time to dilly-dally, those two are going to be famished when they come home”, she then excused herself with a little wave to start preparing for dinner.

Golden pupils slid over to Illumi who had remained in the hallway, standing stock-still.

“You don`t like her boy, do you?”

Illumi clicked his tongue.

“Not particularly, no.”

He then started up the stairs, Hisoka following him closely. Oh, he really liked following Illumi up the stairs he realized. He was nearly face to face with that glorious ass.

“Do you feel like elaborating on this?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Ah, okay then.”

They climbed in silence for a while.

“Your brother is really adorable, dear Illumi. His glare nearly rivals your own. I don`t suppose he got something to do with this, hmm?” 

Hisoka barely got to finish his sentence when Illumi whipped around, grabbing the front of his shirt. He pushed until Hisoka was nearly hanging of the stairs, toes tipping at one of the steps. Illumi’s hand clawing into the fabric of his shirt was the only thing keeping him from falling. Hisoka mentally clapped himself on the shoulder, it had been a good guess really.

A black gaze burned into his eyes, dark hair wild around them. Most of Hisoka’s blood rushed south in an instant.

“Do not ever mention my brother again”, Illumi seethed.

Hisoka barely kept himself from moaning.

“Touchy subject, I see”, he outright purred.

“Do you understand”, and Illumi pulled him a little bit closer, fabric straining under his grip.

“Yes, darling”, Hisoka chocked, and then his tongue shot out to lick slightly against Illumi’s lips.

The other man jerked back, as if burned, and dropped Hisoka. With a grunt the pink-haired man flailed with his arms, groceries rolling down the stairs. When he finally caught himself, Illumi was already gone and Hisoka heard a door slam above him as he began collecting his spoiled strawberries. Totally worth it, he thought to himself.

-

It was another slow day and Hisoka was sitting at the counter, feet up, engrossed in his favorite fashion magazine. There were a few people loitering around the shop, one was most definitely a pervert browsing through the adult movie section. Hisoka knew one when he saw one, seeing as he considered himself to be quite the pervert. A young couple had entered the BDSM section a few minutes ago. The girl hadn`t stopped blushing since then, Hisoka believed, and wasn`t that just precious. A few teenagers giggled at the dildo collection, he didn`t particularly care that they weren`t old enough to enter a sex shop. Hisoka had only restocked that section this morning and knew that the banana vibrator was kind of ridiculous. 

He was just starting on an article about the 20 hottest styles for this summer when a pair of handcuffs and a gag ball were unceremoniously dropped onto the counter. Hisoka’s gaze slid up.

“Ah”, he said.

“Oh, it`s you”, was Illumi’s answer.

Hisoka’s smirk was full on in under 10 seconds. How exactly the other man managed to sneak in through the front door, which was directly opposite the counter, and slink around the shop for a couple of minutes without Hisoka noticing was quite the mystery, but from what he had seen of his new neighbor so far, Hisoka considered it to be in the realm of possibilities. After all, a serial killer needed to be sneaky, Hisoka considered. After a moment of mutual contemplation, Hisoka cleared his throat and closed the magazine, leaning his head on his palm to leer at his new favorite customer through half-lidded eyes.

“My, my, if it isn`t my dear Illumi. I didn`t know you were into-”, at that he picked up the handcuffs, turning them over in his hands.

“-this kind of stuff”, he finished with a drawl. These were of the robust kind, he catalogued, no plush, just cold hard steel. They were sturdy, sturdy enough to hold someone. Hisoka could almost feel them digging into his skin.

Illumi leveled him with a stare.

“And I didn`t know you worked here”, he answered. His nose was slightly wrinkled through the whole exchange, as if a pungent smell was hanging in the air. It was a sex shop after all, strange smells were indeed in the realm of possibilities.

Hisoka hummed under his breath, sitting up a bit taller. He started to twirl the handcuffs around one of his fingers, his eyes never leaving Illumi’s.

“Started to work here when I moved. I wanted to turn over a new leaf, you know.”

Illumi just grunted non-comically. Then his gaze traveled down Hisoka’s torso, the other man’s smile growing sharper. He knew going with the black mesh top was a good decision. It didn’t leave much to the imagination and showed of his midriff quite nicely. Illumi must have thought the same judging from his intense stare.

“Do you shop here often? Maybe I could recommend you some of my favorites”, Hisoka purred, startling the other man with a wink. He gestured to Illumi in a pompous flourish.

Illumi looked rather unperturbed by the offer, raising a thin eyebrow.

Hisoka pouted.

“You`re no fun.”

“And you aren`t the first person to tell me that. May I pay for my purchases now?”

Hisoka was nothing if not resourceful when it came to reaching his goals. Some would call it annoying, he liked to refer to it as preserving. He plastered on his sultriest smile.

“Sweet Illumi, only if you answer my question first. For what purpose do you need these toys?” 

The pink-haired man brought the handcuffs slowly to his mouth, his tongue flicking out to slightly lick over the cold metal and he saw Illumi’s gaze flicker to the movement.

Illumi’s nose scrunched up further, but then he leaned down in one smooth move, hair trailing featherlight over Hisoka’s arms. It tickled slightly and the other man jerked for a moment before he felt warm breath hit one side of his face, the smell of antiseptic encompassing his senses. But under that Hisoka could discern another scent, less biting than the first one. A waft of fresh citrus and something richer, like…tea?

“Actually, that is none of your business”, Illumi murmured in his ear. “But because you asked so nicely, I`ll tell you.” 

Hisoka felt himself go taught like a bowstring, he preened under the attention. There were so many possible answers racing through his mind and he didn`t know which one he preferred. His mind conjured all sorts of images, on the forefront he was seeing himself handcuffed to a bed while Illumi rode him excruciatingly slow, his mouth was stuffed with a gag stifling his moans. He also imagined himself tied to Illumi’s bed while the other man sunk a knife into his guts, riding him oh so slowly, screams of delicious pain muffled.

Ah, he shouldn`t get hard at work.

Hisoka felt Illumi’s hair trickle against his cheek as the other man tucked a few strands behind his ear to directly whisper to Hisoka. Illumi’s tongue darted out ever so slightly against Hisoka’s ear and he involuntary shuddered.

“Because I like it when people shut up while I take from them what I want.” 

Hisoka moaned and he felt his dick twitch in his way too tight pants. He slightly regretted wearing his leather pants to work today.

Before he could realize what was happening the dull smell of antiseptic and what Hisoka believed to be freshly brewed black tea was receding and a bill was forcefully smacked on the counter.

“Keep the change”, Illumis said, gracefully plucking the handcuffs out of Hisokas fingers. In a twirl of midnight black hair, the other man was gone and Hisoka didn`t know how he should work for another two hours with the erection he was currently sporting.

-

It was Sunday and Hisoka was lounging on Chrollo’s couch in his horrendously ugly living room. Chrollo’s friends had painted the walls, each one of them a different section in different colors and patterns that clashed – hideously. Most of the furniture was mismatched, too, thrifted most likely. But instead of giving off a boho vibe it looked like thirteen people had robbed their grandmother’s flats. Knowing them that might even be true. Different knick-knacks adorned the room, some looked very expensive, some looked like trash. There was a giant bookcase on one side of the room and even more books scattered around the apartment itself. A half-dead monstera stood in one corner, Chrollo didn`t seem to care. But despite it all it worked, it looked just like an apartment the dubious man would live in. The man himself reclined regally in his armchair in the middle of the room, clad in black and hair falling open around his face for a change. He always looked so much younger without the gel, it surprised Hisoka every time he saw him. Today only five of his friends resided in his apartment, relatively few for game night. Every Sunday they met at Chrollo’s, someone brought brownies or cake, they got high or drunk and played games that made no sense. Sometimes even Hisoka was invited, but nobody seemed to like that. He wondered why.

They were still waiting for Feitan and Nobunaga to show up, even though Hisoka doubted it had been a good idea to send those two to get booze.

The continuous tipping of a laptop slowly grated on Hisoka’s nerves. Shalnark was seated at a low table in front of the window and he had been working at his computer most of the time Hisoka had been there, fast clacking of the keys creating a strange rhythm in the otherwise silent apartment. Every so often he smiled at his phone, probably texting his giant boyfriend, ew.

Hisoka was bored, unfathomable so. He had wanted to play a little with Machi, but the pink-haired girl had retreated to the bedroom the moment Hisoka had set food in the apartment. She was probably making out or pre-gaming with her girlfriend Pakunoda in there. A shame, he was banned from Chrollo’s bedroom for lifetime. It wasn`t his fault that the bedframe broke, twice. Oh well.

Seeing as Chrollo was currently ignoring him in favor of one of his obscure books, Hisoka had opted to build a house of cards half an hour ago, it was getting relatively big by now. With one ear he listened to the muffled conversation drifting in from the kitchen, where two other members of the gang had materialized about an hour ago. Franklin and Kortopi were exchanging baking tips in their gentle voices while they waited for their freshly baked chocolate muffins to be done. It smelled divine. Hisoka really needed to ask them about the recipe, maybe he could surprise Illumi.

Machi’s shrill laughter sounded through the wall and Hisoka’s tower collapsed.

He frowned.

“Say”, he started, reclining against the couch, abandoning his previous project. Chrollo hummed in answer.

“You know Illumi, the pretty one living next to me?”

Chrollo hummed again without looking up from his book.

Hisoka waited. The typing continued.

“He`s an old acquaintance of mine. We met a few times.”

“You don`t perchance know what he`s working as?”

“Hmmm”, a slow intake of breath.

“I believe he said something about working directly on clients, but I don`t quite recall. Also, he is very good with sharp objects. But we never talked much when we met.”

This time Hisoka hummed under his breath slightly disappointed. This didn`t exactly dissuade him from his theory. He then registered Chrollo’s second sentence and spread his legs suggestively on the couch smirking.

“Could it be that you two had sex?” and he gestured to Chrollo in a wide arch.

The other man carefully closed his book and a slow smile spread on his lips.

“I sometimes wonder, Hisoka, if you`re really clairvoyant.” 

Hisoka chuckled.

“He seemed like your type. Are you still acquainted?” and Hisoka’s gaze on Chrollo intensified a little. He didn`t like sharing his toys.

“No, we only met a few times, years ago. Hmm, maybe months ago.”

Chrollo leaned forward, folding his hands in front of him. “It didn`t exactly work outside of the sex”, Hisoka raised an eyebrow at that.

Chrollo chuckled.

“You met him, didn`t you? He is quite peculiar. On the other hand, that is exactly the reason you’re interested in him, or am I wrong about that?”

The man in question just grinned harder, shrugging his shoulders.

“Hmm yes-”, Chrollo continued while getting up and dusting off his black pants. “There`s two ways this could work out”, he slowly moved around the back of the couch. “One, the sex is absolutely mind-boggling because you two are depraved. You’ll try to stab each other afterwards. And hopefully succeed.” 

At that he clapped Hisoka on the shoulder heavily, the word stab rolling of his tongue. He leaned on the back of the couch, his breath ghosting Hisoka’s neck and the pink-haired man shivered involuntarily.

“Or the sex is mind-boggling, you still want to stab each other and, here is the twist, both of you absolutely love it. I could imagine that. I’ve never met another person as unfathomable mad as you two. It could even work out. Happy ever after, or how some people put it, crazy in love”, Chrollo exhaled a small laugh in Hisoka’s ear.

Hisoka turned his head in Chrollo’s direction then, smirk growing wider. 

“But the sex is always mind-boggling, hmm?” he drawled and Chrollo chuckled at that, slowly shaking his head.

“You never change, do you Hisoka?”

The black-haired man slowly walked to the door in the moment a determined knock disturbed their conversation. Hisoka considered Chrollo’s back for a second then. I was once obsessed with this man, he thought, when did that change? He couldn’t imagine ever losing interest in his eerie neighbor. Hisoka shook his head.

“Ah yes, I remembered”, he quickly interrupted before Chrollo opened the door.

“Have you heard anything about people going missing around the neighborhood?”  
Chrollo turned to him, tilting his head in thought. The knocking on the other side of the door didn’t stop for a second.

“Hmmm, yes, I think someone mentioned something like it”, he hummed in his deep baritone.

“But don’t worry, I’m sure no one wants to kidnap you, Hisoka”, and his soft smile did not in any way betray the severity of the blow he had just delivered on the other man. Hisoka pouted, all the while trying to ignore Shalnark’s little chuckle from the other side of the room. 

Finally, Chrollo opened the door with momentum, before it could be knocked out of its hinges, and plastered on his most charming smile. Hisoka envied anyone on the other end of that look.

“Kurapika, I wondered when you would knock tonight”

Kurapika? The blonde student living next-doors?

From his perch on the couch Hisoka could hear someone loudly clearing their throat. He stretched his neck to get a better view, but his sight of the door was sadly blocked by Chrollo’s broad back.

“I just wanted to remind you to not cause a ruckus tonight – again.” 

Whoever was on the other side of that door sounded pissed. But Chrollo’s smile only grew wider. Hisoka’s eyebrows climbed on his forehead. Huh, how interesting. He found Shalnark staring at the intrusion, too, but the younger man just shrugged his shoulders.

“Yes, naturally. You have customers tonight?” 

“What I do with my life has nothing to do with the likes of you!”

“Oh yes, how could I forget. The high and mighty Kurapika, judging over my lif-”

“Well, at least I`m not a petty criminal-”

“Do you have any evidence to support that theory-”

Hisoka raised a thin eyebrow, the first time he ever witnessed on of their fights start first-hand. Soon the two fell back to their scripted routine and Hisoka only half listened to the rest of the argument, starting on a new card tower with even less determination than before.

Before anything else happened, he mumbled, a bit louder than strictly necessary, a smug “Just fuck already.”

The fighting abruptly stopped, Chrollo giving him an even smugger smile and Kurapika leaning farther inside the door with an incredulous look on his steadily reddening face.

“You – wha – what is your – god damn it”, the blonde stuttered and retreated hastily the way he came. Chrollo gave him an appreciative wink and settled back to reading his book, a tune on his lips.

The blond returned two times this evening, it always ended in an amusing shouting match. On the bright side, Hisoka won all the card games, not always fair and square, but no one could prove that he was cheating. Ah, that might be the reason he never got invited in the first place. 

-

On Wednesday morning Hisoka stood in front of the floor-length mirror in his hallway considering if the five-inch heels he was sporting were a bit too much for a day in the shop. Those were his favorite high heels after all, penny heels and maroon colored. They fit perfectly with the white pants he chose today, and he could strut around inside these beauties all day, they made his ass look even better than normal. He was just considering said ass when a commotion from outside his apartment door caught his attention.

There were people talking outside, very loudly in Hisoka’s opinion and when he leaned his head against his door, he could almost clearly hear them. After all, he was nothing if not nosy.

“Please stop this madness. I can’t go on! Please!”

That first voice was very high-pitched with a nasal quality. It already grated on Hisoka’s nerves, that whining cadence clearly gave the impression of a spoiled child. He was sure he didn’t know anyone in this house that talked like this. The choice of words on the other hand made Hisoka press his ear closer to the door.

“Stop your yapping. We’re nearly there”, that voice Hisoka could easily recognize and the monotone intonation created little shivers down his spine. Ah yes, Illumi. What was he getting up to now?

“I never asked for this! Please just let me go back, please!” 

Hmm that did sound rather serious.

“You’re yammering is disgraceful”, Hisoka could hear the ice in Illumi’s voice right through his door and it send another shiver down his spine. While this one was less pleasant, he could still feel a slight tingle in his neither regions. He realized he liked it when Illumi was mean.

“And I know you’re going to do cruel things to me. You’re horrible!” 

Well, well, well how should he go about interpreting this one? Hisoka was neither convinced Illumi wasn’t doing horrible things in his apartment, nor that his neighbor was just the friendly guy from next doors.

A scoff followed the last statement.

“I will indeed do cruel things to you if you don’t shut up and keep moving, pig.” 

Hisoka silently exhaled a shaky moan against the wood of his door. Oh yes, he did like it when Illumi was mean. He was already half-hard in his tight pants.

The other voice just whined. Hisoka decided to risk a glance through his peephole and only saw the unfocused silhouette of a fat boy at the top of the stairs. And he was panting. Hard. He now understood where the name pig must have come from.

Slowly Illumi’s figure behind him came into view and the fat boy was unceremoniously shoved in the direction of the other man’s apartment.

“Move I said”, Illumi’s voice rang out again and he started herding the boy past Hisoka’s door rather harshly. The image Hisoka got through the peephole wasn’t very satisfying, both far away and a bit disfigured through the fish-eye perspective. Hisoka could make out the dark hair of the boy and the horrible pink shirt he was wearing that spanned over his voluminous belly.

“You’re horrible. I hate this”, the boy grumbled, his voice discouraged and devoid of any hope. He was still panting.

“I’ll show you horrible if you don’t move your fat ass a little faster”, Illumi spat back and Hisoka lightly rubbed the growing bulge in his trousers at the choice of words, a shaky moan on his lips. Maybe he should just leave for work now, he considered, and he would get a little peek at the spectacle outside his door. And his lovely neighbor. He quickly grabbed his keys and wallet and threw open his apartment door, confidently strutting into the hallway with his heels on and a tent in his trousers. With a self-satisfied smirk he turned his head to regard Illumi.

The other man looked like a deer caught in the headlights, head whipping in Hisoka’s direction and big round eyes trained on the supposed intruder. Before anything could be said Illumi pushed the boy’s ass that was still hanging into the hallway through his apartment door. Quickly he slammed the door shut on a high-pitched yelp and Hisoka felt almost sorry for that little fatty.

“Hisoka”, Illumi said and his typical monotone did not betray anything. He lightly pushed a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

Hisoka’s smirk only grew wider as he cocked his hips, widening his stance on his beautiful heels. For a moment Illumi’s gaze strayed from Hisoka’s face, traveling to his high heels and then up to the erection in his pants. His mouth opened slightly and then he swallowed nearly imperceptibly. Oh, but Hisoka noticed. He cleared his throat.

“So, who was that, dear? A friend?” Hisoka said, the self-righteousness heavy in his voice.

Illumi’s gaze snapped back to his eyes in a millisecond. His lip twitched.

“No one. I don’t seem to know what you are talking about” 

Just in that moment a muffled voice reverberated from behind Illumi’s apartment door, a question of “What are you doing out there?”.

Illumi’s lip twitched again slightly. Ah, Hisoka finally recognized the miniscule movement for what it was. Illumi felt caught, cornered. Hisoka chuckled.

“Well then”, Illumi said.

“Have a nice day”, it sounded more like go and die in the next ditch. In a flourish Illumi had thrown open his apartment door and was gone. How disappointing.

When Hisoka finally decided to make his way to work, still half-hard in his trousers, he heard Illumi’s bossy command behind closed doors.

“Didn’t I tell you to shut up.” 

Hisoka laughed nearly all the way down the stairs. Then he remembered Mito’s comment on all the disappearances around their neighborhood lately. His smile stayed frozen on his face for the 15-minute walk to the shop. 

-

Hisoka loved his job. Both of his jobs, actually. And he believed he was very good at them too. On Thursday night he reclined against the headboard of his king-sized bed. His multi-colored cushions were squished against his back, patchwork quilt in the most hideous patterns lightly draped over his lap. A tea was slowly cooling on his bedside table, some lemon nonsense he bought on a whim. Hisoka hummed, he was quite comfortable and loved it.

“How about you spread your legs a little farther for me, hm?” he whispered lowly into his phone. The answering moan on the other end of the line told him his client must be close. Hisoka turned another page in the newest issue of his favorite fashion magazine.

“That`s a good boy. Are you getting close? Are you about to come?” he made sure to punctuate the last statement with a moan.

“Ye-yes, god Hisoka, please I`m going to-”, Hisoka hummed a little under his breath. The other man was one of his regulars, he forgot his name to be honest. The guy was utterly uninteresting, the sex so vanilla and basic Hisoka didn`t even need to concentrate on the conversation. Most of the time it was like that, but some of his clients had some rather interesting preferences. He lived for those calls.

“Oh don`t come just yet, I`m still not finished with you. You`ve been taking my dick like a big boy, you can go a little longer, let daddy have his fun”, the man on the line hissed, a sharp intake of air as soon as Hisoka let the word daddy roll of his tongue. He knew what his regulars liked. Still, the evening was going slow and Hisoka hadn`t felt more than a slow spreading warmth in his groin. He was bored to be honest, relaxed, utterly comfortable and utterly bored.

A piercing scream ripped through the silence on the other end of the thin wall behind his head. Hisoka flinched and nearly dropped his phone. What the fuck? The sound continued, but most of it was muffled. Hisoka was not able to make out anything that was said behind the wall to the neighboring apartment. To Illumi’s apartment. And then there was another sound, he didn’t even need to strain his ears to hear it. Laughter. Near maniacal laughter. He heard a voice say “God, yes” behind his head, the syllables muffled but still clearly understandable. Hisoka knew that voice, he had it ingrained in his brain since he moved here. Illumi, he thought.

A shudder ran down his spine, ice cold nails raking against his back. He remembered the fat little boy from a few days ago.

“Hisoka?” the man on the phone questioned.

Hisoka knew what that shudder was. It was anticipation and he felt his cock twitch when another muffled scream rang out behind the wall.

“I`m sorry darling, I was enamored by the lovely sounds you were making. Please, touch your cock for me, make yourself come.” 

The man on the other line never had to know that these words were not entirely directed at him.

Hisoka trailed one hand down his stomach beneath his hideous blanket and started to play with himself. The sounds on the other side of the wall got louder, his neighbor’s laughter like music to Hisoka’s ears. He adored the insane undercurrent coloring Illumi’s voice. Unhinged beauty was like a hair-pin trigger for Hisoka.

“Yes, just like that”, he moaned and unconsciously pitched his voice a little louder. There was another muffled scream from the other apartment and Hisoka pictured it. Pictured Illumi, hair wild and eyes pitch black in the dark. Long sharp knife glinting in the moon that reflected through the window as he smeared blood into his skin. It would be beautiful, the way he drove his knife over and over into palpable, wielding flesh. How the laughter would tear his face apart with how wide it stretched his lips, blood splattering on his perfect white teeth. And Hisoka would watch, watch and wait, until those lovely black eyes would focus on him, Illumi’s breast heaving with extortion. Hisoka would offer his body to the knife, would offer his cock to the alien being before him. And he would pull on those smooth inky strands of hair as Illumi licks sticky red from the blade still in his hand, and moans long and deep, his eyes piercing Hisoka’s while he rode him slowly.

“God, yes you are so beautiful darling”, he purred loudly, taking himself fully in hand and stroking hard. “You think so?” Illumi asked pressing his sticky fingers to Hisoka’s mouth and he could almost taste copper. The long digits thrust into his waiting mouth, slowly in and out, pressing down on his tongue in the same rhythm he fucked himself on Hisoka’s cock.

“Do I look good in red?”

Hisoka felt a deep rumble building in his throat and he jerked himself harder.

“So gorgeous, taking my dick so well”, he choked out, fucking up into his hand.

Two voices moaned simultaneously in his ear, one on the other end of his phone, the other on the other end of his wall. Only one made his dick twitch when it was followed by another muffled scream. Gods, maybe that fat boy was murdered in the apartment next door but Hisoka was never in his life turned on like this. The thought of Illumi riding his cock while a soft body was still leaking the last few droplets of precious blood onto the carpet a few meters away from them, trails of Illumi carved deep inside it, it made his cock twitch. The victims last dying breaths overshadowed by their combined moans, Illumi’s laughter still hot against his ear, while he was enveloped in that velvet heat. Oh god, Hisoka’s eyes rolled into his head at the thought.

“I`m getting close-”, he moaned into his phone, his cock dripping with pre-come. “Are you coming Hisoka?” Illumi asked. “Are you close?” and he raised his knife to Hisoka’s throat as he squeezed his ass around the other man`s cock. “Can I kill you?” he whispered oh so softly into Hisoka’s ear and the knife slowly sliced through his waiting flesh. Hisoka swore he could hear Illumi moan his name from the other side of the wall as he came with a shout.

He must have blacked out for a moment and came back to heavy panting in his ear. Right, his client. The sounds on the other side of the wall had stopped a while ago, Hisoka belatedly realized. He waited until the man on the line seemed to have his breathing back in order.

“God Hisoka, that-that was incredible. I don`t think I`ve ever-gods.”

He whistled a little under his breath.

Hisoka smirked.

“Yes dear, I was a little overwhelmed myself. Please do call again and have a lovely night.”

He made an exaggerated kissing sound into the receiver and cut the line. Maybe he should really ask Illumi out on a date. Maybe he would be the next one screaming on the other end of that wall. And wasn`t that an enticing thought.

Hisoka grimaced as he found his favorite blanket sticky with come. Well, time to clean up.

Before he could get up to go to the toilet his phone buzzed with an incoming message.

Illumi, huh.

_Working again?_

Hisoka couldn’t suppress the self-satisfied smile blooming on his lips.

_Yes, and I quite enjoyed myself ;) r u working too? Xoxo_

He shot back. He didn’t receive another message that night. Hisoka only shrugged. Well, he should really go to bed and get his beauty sleep.

-

Monday night was really going horrible for Hisoka. He stood outside the door of one of the apartments on the second floor, the name Paladiknight written over the doorbell in wacky handwriting. He knocked on the door twice with the hand that wasn`t currently screaming in pain. It took all of two minutes until the grumbling from inside had reached him and a disgruntled young man smacked the door open. It was nearly one in the morning after all.

“What do you want?” the young man nearly screamed into his face. Then his gaze slid to Hisoka’s arm hanging limply at his side, the appendix protruding at an odd angle.

“Holy shit, what the fuck happened to you?” 

“Yo~”, Hisoka said in place of a greeting.

“May I come in? I heard you can help people with similar, hmm…”, he considered his own arm, “…problems”, Hisoka concluded. The brown-haired man pushed his small glasses a little further up the bridge of his nose and quizzically stared into Hisoka’s face.

“Where did you hear that from? And who are you anyway? Haven’t I seen you before?”

Hisoka’s smile slowly grew a little pained but he gestured upwards with one finger anyways.

“I’m your new neighbor, from the fourth floor. Nice to meet you”, and he offered the man his other hand.

The young man stared at the offered appendix, then sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Great, that guy”, he mumbled under his breath and Hisoka’s smirk grew wider. So, his reputation preceded him.

“Tch, okay, fine you can come in. But don`t expect a miracle. This looks bad and you should see a real doctor.” 

He went inside, waving for Hisoka to follow.

As Hisoka slowly peeled of his shoes, he heard another voice from within.

“Leorio, is everything all right?”, the question was only followed by more grumbling and then Hisoka entered the living area from the clattered hallway.

He met a pair of grey eyes that stared at him from beyond round glasses. At a large kitchen table that was filled with books, empty plates and half-filled cups sat the little blonde student that lived directly under Hisoka. He raised an eyebrow, his gaze slowly sliding to Hisoka’s injured arm.

“Good evening, cam boy~”, Hisoka purred and the boy’s brow ticked up his forehead.

“Do you really have to treat him? This looks like it will heal by itself”, and his gaze slid back to his book as Hisoka chuckled.

“Well, I’m not too happy about this either”, the illegal doctor grunted, heaving clothes and papers from a simple brown couch. “But you know, good neighborhood relations and all that. Also, I hope he will pay for this, and extra because he came after hours. Sit.”

And Hisoka obeyed, nodding at Leorio.

Hisoka would pay, no question, he was just happy that the rumors about the illegally operating doctor were indeed true and not one of Chrollo’s fabrications. But, Hisoka supposed, he would know. He knew everything.

“Can you set it?” Hisoka questioned as the young medicine student scrapped one chair over in front of the couch, inspecting the offered arm.

“I can set it, I can put it in a splint and I can give you something against the pain. This must hurt like a bitch by the way, how-”, but Hisoka only smirked at him.

Leorio cleared his throat.

“Never mind then. But this looks like it will need a cast, you should visit a hospital tomorrow morning.”

Hisoka just shrugged at this, he had worse. The doctor sprayed his arm with what seemed to be sterilization agent, the cold substance making Hisoka flinch a little. When the smell reached his nose Hisoka was painfully reminded of his next-door neighbor, almost feeling smooth black hair tickling his nose. Then a syringe was pressed into the soft flesh of his arm.

“How did this happen anyways?” the doctor asked before getting to work.

Hisoka wondered that himself to be honest. He was just leaving work, locking the shop up, when he met an old…acquaintance in the back alley he traversed through. The man, Kastro, had been one of Hisoka’s targets a few years ago and he had scammed him out of a lot of money. It was an illegal fighting ring, Hisoka remembered, the odds scripted. Hisoka had enjoyed that life, fighting and decepting people at the same time. Kastro had been an especially delicious target. And now he had come for revenge it seemed. He didn`t get his money back in the end, and he didn`t quite get Hisoka with his moves. But a broken arm was one of the most miraculous hits anyone had ever landed on Hisoka without his consent. He could be proud of himself when he woke the next morning behind the trashcans. If he would wake up at all.

Hisoka just chuckled.

“I met an old friend of mine. Believe me, he is off worse.” Leorio shuddered a little under his gaze and then he snapped Hisoka’s arm into place without warning.

The pink-haired man couldn`t quite control the grunt that left his throat. The blonde at the table giggled lightly behind his book.

“Well at least it had nothing to do with those disappearances. You’re lucky then”, the young man said, his rich brown eyes focused on his work.

Hisoka hummed. Again, with those kidnapping cases. He slowly wondered if his neighbor wasn’t involved in this whole affair. After all, he never saw that little fat kid again and it had been nearly two weeks.

While Hisoka got a little lost in his thoughts, the doctor worked in silence, the occasional turning of a page and the ticking of a clock the only indication that time was passing. Hisoka had tried for inane conversation at one point but only ever got grunts or nods as an answer. He had given up about 30 minutes into the procedure. The doctor’s apartment also wasn`t much to look at. The walls were blank white, the furniture spare and dirty clothes and take-out bags were strewn about the living space randomly. It smelled a little like sweat and musk, the typical living situation of a bachelor in his early twenties.

Hisoka hummed and his gaze slid to the blonde student at the table.

“So~”, he drawled. “What did I interrupt? Study date?”

“Study session”, the blond intervened fast, a little too fast, from behind his heavy textbook. Hisoka saw the doctor’s shoulders sag imperceptibly at the correction.

Huh, he thought, how interesting.

The rest of the treatment passed silently and Hisoka was rather bored at the end of it. And slightly irritated at the constant throbbing in his arm.

When his arm was secured at the front of his chest the doctor held on of his hands out in front of Hisoka.

“That will be 1 Million Jenny then.” 

“Even I don`t carry around that much money”, at that the blond at the table giggled again and Leorio flinched. Hisoka transferred the money from his smartphone in the end.

The doctor accompanied Hisoka to the door of his apartment around 3 in the morning, dark circles under his eyes. He tried to stifle a yawn behind his hand.

“You should keep your arm tightly secured for about 6 to 8 weeks but come see me every week or so. This has to be changed and-”, another yawn. “I should keep a close eye on it. I’m not a real doctor yet, so better go to a hospital.”

“Yes, yes”, Hisoka drawled.

“Good night then.”

And the apartment door was slammed into his face.

Hisoka slowly made his way up the stairs and heaved a sigh when he turned the key in the lock of his door. In the moment he opened it, the apartment door next to him flew open. Illumi stepped out, back first and Hisoka could hear him dragging something heavy behind. Slowly a black trash bag of questionable size came into view that bulged outward in an alarming way. Hisoka could feel his eyes widening a fraction.

When Illumi tried to heave the bag up he stopped in his tracks, head slowly turning in Hisoka’s direction. Hisoka froze completely.

“Oh”, he said.

“Ah”, Hisoka answered.

They started at each other for a moment, Illumi slightly squatted over the trash bag, hair hanging loose.

“Do you need help with that?” Hisoka asked testily, pointing one finger at the unsettling object.

Illumis black gaze slowly slid to Hisoka’s splintered arm and he blinked.

“No, I don`t believe so”, he said almost questioningly.

Then he blinked again, slower this time.

“What happened to you?”

Hisoka considered his arm, then considered the bag again. His gaze slid back to Illumi.

“It is a rather long story.”

“Huh”, Illumi hummed.

“Good night then”, the black-haired man said finally, heaving the bag up into his arms, the plastic squealing under his fingertips. And then he was off, making his way down the stairs.

Hisoka really thought about taking a drink with the painkillers before going to bed. He hoped he hadn’t just found out what exactly had happened to the fat little boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the Kudos and Comments, you guys are so nice to me! Reading your comments really cheers me up! Especially when people say they actually find this story funny. Because, you know, I really hoped that this would actually make people laugh or smile or just chuckle~ Also, there's gonna be actual porn in the next chapter...fucking finally, I know. See you~

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for getting this far~ English isn't my first language, so I'm always really thankful for comments and constructive criticism ^_^. I'm also already finished with most of this and will post the next chapter when I'm done with revisions and stuff. Have a nice day ;)


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